The freedom to be who I want to be

Hey. I applied for a program to study in US or England and I had to write an essay. I would like to share it with you C:


Confidence is a quality I have struggles with. The reason for that is that although I am quite extroverted in small groups, when there are many people around me, I am afraid of expressing who I am. I am scared of showing my abilities because I think that I would not be able to deal with the opinions of others.

Recently, I came to the conclusion that there are specific people I do not feel comfortable with and they make me feel bashful and not in my place. I was like a moving ghost who could not speak because every word I wanted to say was going to be criticized and thus, I was forced to wear a mask which hid my true identity. I could not make mistakes because each one of them would have been pointed at for years. I had to be like a robot which had to follow the orders of the ‘leader of the group.’ I wanted a change so that I could show what I am capable of without feeling embarrassed or frightened of what people are going to say about me.

This year, however, I learned how to be proud of what I am and what I can do differently from others, feeling no more the dread of being judged. I decided not to live in the shadow of others so I strove for the freedom of acting the way I wanted without having regrets. Now, I am no longer tied to the ground and do not follow the rules of others but have made my own. Although I needed some time to receive this ‘enlightenment,’ I understood the importance of being unique and unordinary and the insignificance of being accepted by others if one does not act the way he wants to.

At this point, the pressuring world of a student in the school does not seem so suppressing but freer and easier. I have friends who appreciate me, believe in me, and accept me as I am, which made them deserve my love and recognition. In that way, I gradually started removing my mask and showing my abilities with certainty. This was the reason why I signed for “Open Microphone” where I could present to my school the real me.

I was really scared of the event. I was ready to show myself and was encouraged by my friends, but I was afraid of failure. When I think about it now, I was never actually sure whether I was going to sign my name on the little piece of paper.
Two seconds after I entered the hall, however, I spelled my name along with the song I was going to sing, Fever by Elvis Presley, to the host. At this moment, I looked around and everything looked so blurred as if I was in a parallel universe where everything was in slow motion. Then there was no giving up and although I knew that it was not such a big performance, I was scared.

I remember sitting on a chair next to my friends and recognizing several faces from the audience. I was happy that the number was not that big. Ten seconds later, a couple of teachers I knew showed up. Two seconds later, three more appeared. I remembered the movies in which people that have stage fright imagine the whole audience to be naked. How could this help me in this situation? Naked teachers were even more awkward. This is when I felt my face turning red. Then I told to myself “Perfect. Complete embarrassment.” I shared my fright with my friend, Sammy, and she calmed me down by saying that I could deal with that. I, however, did not feel that confident in myself and lost most of the courage I had. I did not want to ruin her opinion when I sing in front of her and the whole audience.

After I shook these thoughts out of my mind, I looked at the host who read names of various students. They sang songs and read their poems which such passion that I felt I was nothing compared to them. As if I was a little ant in a big city, waiting to show what a big crumb I was able to lift, while the people around me lifted whole bread with only one hand.

Several minutes later, the hearing of my name stroke me just as a lightning. I jumped really enthusiastically out of my seat and headed towards the microphone. As I imagined, I had to fix it because it was too high for me and I could not reach it. Then, the only barrier standing between me and the audience was my own fear. I was afraid that I would not be able to open my mouth. I realized that I was no longer in the parallel universe, but in the real one and had to sing. My only thought was that no sound would come out of my mouth and I would turn red when I hear all the people around me laughing. I wanted to escape the big pressure of faces looking towards me. Then I looked forward at the nothingness and imagined a serene place, full of happiness. There I could see everybody I loved smiling at me. There was no sadness, no fighting, but only love which was spreading across the air. All of them were looking at me and as if the words were written there, on the naked wall, waiting for me to follow them.

I never realized when I finished my song but only remember the clapping coming from the audience. I ran towards my seat, blushed, and felt hands rubbing my back congratulating me for the performance. Sammy looked at me and her mouth shaped into a smile. At that moment I felt more confident than ever because I had dealt with my worst nightmare, facing an audience. It looked like that all I needed for this to happen was a little push from my friend who helped me make such a little, but along with that, such a big step towards overcoming my fear.
With that experience, I learned that failure is a small cost for anyone to pay if he is able to face and deal with his worst fright. I looked forward and got rid of the chains which tied me to the ground and now, I do not feel decent anymore; not better than others, but different.


p.s. I hope that you'll find this story interesting C:

Strangers in the streets

Indeed it is strange when you see a person just talking to himself and trying to get everyone else's attention in this way. At first sight you decide that this person is crazy and that's the end of the story.

But have you tried to figure out what has forced this man (or woman of course) to talk to strangers and walk around the city with no particular direction? I may say that I have not although I've always wanted to know what's the back story of such behavior. They must have been through a lot and all they want is to share their story with someone else, but someone else who doesn't run away as soon as they approach him.

For example, if you see a man just playing the guitar in the subway, would you just pass him with a disgusted look which shows neglect, or would you give him a coin and just stand nearby and listen to the wonderful music he makes?

Everyone has his own story and most people choose how to share it, either by playing an instrument, giving some strange speeches , singing, and a lot more. They shouldn't be considered "some piece of junk which isn't able to find a job" because they have chosen to do this (or at least some of them as there are people which are forced to do this so that they can earn some money). Who knows, they can even be managers of some big companies and this is their only getaway from the job. They might even have big talent and are just are waiting to be found.

Once, an old man starting talking to me in the underground. I just sat next to him and he started explaining me how to cook beans but, as he said, how to cook them the right way. I listened while he was telling me at what temperature it should be cooked, what should I add to make it more tasty, etc. Then he made me repeat what he said to make sure that I was listening to him and after I told him every speck of the recipe, he gave me a candy as a prize. When I got off the underground I felt so strange because of the thing that had just happened to me. 'Why did this old man start talking to me?' I asked myself. Apparently, he wanted to share something with someone and I was nearby so I was the one he chose.

It was a coincidence which made me think about people and what they want to tell. They might have deep thoughts which they cannot share with anyone and the easier way is to tell them to someone they might not even meet again. Through singing, playing and instrument and a lot more, people can share what they think without making the others around them feel sympathy for them. They just brighten people's day and in that way they both share their hidden thoughts and in the same way, make people smile.

HI again!

HI! I haven't written for a long time but I have an excuse for that. When I started writing, I never finished my post because I couldn't think of anything more to write.

Now, however I am going to tell you about a recent experience I had.

You know when you have friends, you don't want to act stupid so that they don't leave you? Well, I always felt like that when I was with them. I realized, however, that this should not be like that. I should be myself when I'm with friends but not an invisible ghost afraid to show its true identity.

I had a big fight with one of my best friends (let's call her Y)because I greeted someone she doesn't like and according to her, "does not give a shit about me." C'mon. I think I am the

one who decides whether to like and greet someone or not, not she. After that, she stopped talking to me and along with that, other friends of mine stopped talking to me as well because they decided to take her side. I think that no one should take any sides because I don't want to make them hate her but just want to keep my friendship with them. It doesn't matter anymore... With this experience I realized who my true friends are and who like the real me. It looks like that for my friend, it was too big cost to pay, to talk to me again, the 'not cool' one.

Of course Y blocked me in facebook and skype which shows her not caring anymore for me. She passes me if we met as if we do not know each other.

Who cares? I don't care anymore and it looks like she doesn't care anymore as well.

I like who I am now without feeling regrets of what I've done. I shouldn't, right?

I do not search for approval or something but just want to share my

disappointment in the ones I thought loved and cared for me. I trusted them and when there was an opportunity, they decided to leave me. OK...

They lose.

After all, shouldn't we be grateful for those friends who stay rather than for those who leave us?

P.S. Listen to this song. It's wonderful.

Another P.S. :D Soon I will tell you about my secong experience in "Open Microphone" and if you want to give me ideas about future posts, be my guests. ((:

Life..

The same day. It is the same as yesterday, the day before yesterday, etc. and tomorrow will be the same, too. I feel that my life will continue the same way and there won't be a moment that has the power to change this monotonousness.

I get up in the morning and I know what to do, what will happen and so on. I know the order of the events that day and along with that the problems I'm going to face. I don't want it to be that way. There should be an exciting moment that will make you feel the difference, that will make you feel the freedom. People should enjoy their life as much as they can so that they don't regret that they have missed something. Sometimes, they need to risk in order to get more. I have a perfect quote for that -

"Life is so short... Sometimes, even one miracle is enough." Krasimir Bachkov.

People think that if something is, for example, forbidden they shouldn't try it but they are wrong. Of course, you shouldn't search for strong sensations but you should strive to do things that in a matter of time would increase your happiness, that will make your life interesting. After all, this is your life, isn't it?

a person ...don't judge him before you see his soul...

Think about people as people. You see a person and make conclusions before even meeting him because of his appearance or what people have talked about him. Don't you think that's unfair for him? He may not look the way you want him to, but that doesn't mean to check him off of your "good" list.

The soul of a person shows who he really is. I don’t say that you have to see everybody’s soul before creating an opinion about him, but at least try. Perhaps, you will be amazed of the result because that person could become a very close person of yours.

I’ve made wrong conclusions and now I understand that. I have judged people because of their appearance and what people have talked about them. Thankfully, I have “seen” their soul and made my own opinion by them without being influenced by other people.

What I suggest is not to talk or think bad things about person you don’t know because he may appear to be a good one. You will be pleased with the decision you have made when you get to know him. (of course, it may appear that the person is just as the others have talked but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have a purpose to do so)

time.

Take a picture, take a painting, take a book. Look at it, try to read it. Think about it. Now wait ten years.

And now , ten years later, look at it. It feel s quite different, isn't it? You feel many different things from your previous observations.

Time changes things. Not the paintings or the books have changed, it is you that has. People change the way they look at them. At first, you thought it was just a stupid book that you threw away. Later, you think that is the greatest book you've ever read.

Of course, we change... we are meant to be. If we didn't change we would have stayed the same babies who could only cry and do anything else.

Sometimes, I think how everybody changes. There are moments when I realize that one who has been, for example, a shy person, has turned into a social one.

I state all these things to say that time changes things. You may think that you will never get over a pain but several years later you realize that haven't thought about it for a while.

All we are...

What we are is a very strange question. You may ask how can I not know who I am. I will tell you. Everybody acts differently in front of different people. They change in the situation they are put. Nobody knows who he is... Everybody acts the way other people act who act the way other people act and in that way a cycle is made in which everybody is nobody.

When you realize that the way you've acted in front of some of your friends is not a way you like, it is not who you are, it is somebody else. When you understand that, you will try to avoid all the things you've done against your will so that you can be a "cool" one. I would tell you to find the friends with whom this secret in told and is not hidden anymore, who you care about and who care about you.

Can you look at your old pictures? Can you look at yourself? You will think how could you have looked that way, dressed that way, acted that way. After you have done that can you think of the changes you have made in order to look like you look now. Believe me, you will think about the people that have changed you and not how you changed yourself. Everybody imitates everybody and in that way everybody is nobody. There is not a unique person in dressing, acting, etc., there are only copies of one.

You will think how can you change this. You want to be a unique one and not a copy? In the way you look, you have been influenced by others, in the way you act, you , again, have been influenced by others. Then you will ask how can everybody tell you that you are unique when you are not. This is what I will tell you. Everybody is unique in his own way. He might be influenced by others but will always have one part which is only his, which nobody could get, which nobody could imitate. It will be like a secret which will never be revealed to anybody but you...